


The Bereaved Life of Guinevere Pendragon

by librarcy, maraudrcs



Category: Arthurian Mythology, Arthurian Mythology & Related Fandoms, BBC Merlin, Merlin (BBC), Merlin (TV)
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/M, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:01:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25518499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/librarcy/pseuds/librarcy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudrcs/pseuds/maraudrcs
Summary: After the death of the once and future king of Camelot, Guinevere Pendragon was stripped away of everything else as much as she was of Arthur. Two years passed before Arthur rose again, and Gwen (short for Guinevere) decided to write about everything that happened in the two years he was gone. She hopes he will read these one day, anticipating they will help him understand, for she and Arthur have not been reunited since. These are her many diary entries written to Arthur.
Relationships: Guinevere/Arthur Pendragon, Gwen & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwen/Merlin (Merlin), Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	1. I miss you, Arthur.

**Author's Note:**

> This work is entirely fictional. These entries are not from the Arthurian legends, and the plots made up in this work are all from my own creativity. These are to have been written after the final season of BBC's Merlin, and some of the plots I have created within this work may not follow with the original story lines of the show. I have created my own versions of these characters as much as I stuck to their original roots in the show, and I hope you enjoy what I believe happened after Arthur's death.

Dear Arthur,

I have decided it is best I write to you about everything that happened in the two years you were gone. I know Merlin brought you back, I know he's with you everyday. And I can't tell you why I can't be with you everyday too. Trust me, I would. So I hope you're not too offended I write to you instead; I hope this doesn't hurt you any more than it already hurts me to not be able to hear your voice and see your face. It's already hard enough thinking about you all the time, knowing you're out there again but without me. It's difficult too to decide where I should start from this. I guess I should explain where I am and what I am doing now from the last memory you have of me, because they do not equate.

After your demise, I was crowned queen of Camelot. This followed with the ideals you had in mind, however I know they did not fall through with the way you had hoped them to. In result, my reign did not last very long. The people of Camelot did not believe in the queen you chose for them as much as you did, as much as Merlin did too; he was there for my early downfall. Those of your court stripped me of my title in favor of the people, and watched me lose everything I once known and had. As much as they stole everything away from me, they prepared me to be banished from Camelot knowing that if they took my home I would have nowhere else to go and they did. The once queen of Camelot was about to be turned into nothing but a forgotten memory. But I'm still here, in Camelot.

I know Merlin tells you things, he's always told you everything, so I'm sure you already know what I am going to tell you next. Merlin was not only there during my downfall, he was always there. As you are here in your castle at this very moment, so am I. Merlin gave me somewhere to go when I thought I had nowhere else. I prefer not to share any more details on the subject, I don't want you to find me as much as I would like you to; I just want you to know that I'm safe and I'm still here. And as much as Merlin tells you everything, I know he is keeping this secret for me despite his own hostility about it. One thing I'm fairly certain he told you about is how I am able to remain in Camelot without you. In order to own a place I can call home, Merlin made the unthinkable decision to give himself away to me, as he asked for my hand in marriage. I never asked him to do this, and I felt that accepting his offer was only depriving him of his own happiness. But there was no greater happiness than what you gave him Arthur, and he still wanted to do everything he could on behalf of you. So I gave him my hand, and he still has it. He has provided a life for me I knew for so long in Camelot, and I could never tell him how grateful I am. If there is anyone I would lose everything for again, it would be Merlin for everything he's given me.

I'm not sure of how you feel on the subject. Quite frankly, I'm not sure of how you feel about anything. But I cannot ask you for these are not written by your hand but only my own, so I will tell you how I think you feel. I believe you feel it was righteous of Merlin to once again give up something for you, and to even do everything he can for you even in death. I believe you feel about the thought of Merlin and I together is simply implausible, for our love of each other was once all we had ever known; but it is the very foundation of our friendship that has kept us together. I feel Merlin drifting, and I know he thinks I don't notice. I don't want you to worry about that for Merlin would never leave me knowing what would happen if he did. It means too much to Merlin to have you back, and he is protecting the one thing you treasured more than your life. Nonetheless, I believe you feel alone right now. Alone with the thoughts blackening your head about me, and why if I know you are alive I have not come to talk to you, to see you once again. No matter how many times I doubt the possibility of it ever happening again, I live my life as happily as I can knowing that you are _alive_. I hope you can find your own peace doing the same.

There's still so much I wish to tell you. I wish you could ask me anything you wanted and I could answer but this will simply have to do. It is a thought that after Merlin gives this to you, you can tell him anything you wish to know. I understand if you do not wish to communicate with me at all. I understand if you do not even read this and decide to turn Merlin away with it. I understand you Arthur, I always have. And I understand the ways in which you despise grief, it was never once your friend and you've never been able to handle it at all. You do what you need to do as you always do. None of that has ever changed. But if you decide to communicate with me, I will be favorable in writing to you again. I will tell you anything you wish to know as much as I can.

Gwen.


	2. I miss you too, Guinevere.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the rising of the once and future king of Camelot from the dead, Arthur Pendragon received a letter from his once wife, Guinevere. Since his rising, Arthur has had to face many struggles, even more challenging than stepping back into his position as the king of Camelot. In his letter, he provides some insight into how he is feeling, but more so struggles with responding to the thoughts that Guinevere's letter left him with. He is even startled that he has received a letter in the first place as he has yet to be reunited face to face with his _once_ love of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so happy to have been let to collaborate on this work to provide Arthur's letter povs! The second I read the letter from Gwen, I knew this work had so much potential to be back and forth to provide both insights of these two characters. As mentioned in the previous chapter, this work is entirely fictional! These entries have no correlation to the Arthurian legends but may mention plots previously been made of Arthur. This is purely my own imagination of how I see Arthur would feel if BBC's Merlin were to continue. Also something to keep in mind: this is my own version of Arthur just as much as I am keeping his common traits from the show. I hope you enjoy it!

Dear Guinevere,

_And I can't tell you why I can't be with you everyday too._

The hardest sentence I had to read starting off a letter. You know me Gwen, even better than I do sometimes, and being told I can't know something will only drive me to want to know more. However, I am not offended that you have chosen to write to me; actually, I was quite surprised when I received the letter. I haven't heard a thing from you or seen you since my return so to only be handed a letter caught me off guard. I would have wrote to you sooner but, I had to read your letter several times before I could come up with what I wanted to say in return. If I even wanted to say anything in return. Alas, here it is; hope this letter reaches you well. If you still believe this won't hurt me, I'll start off by saying it does. Just as much as you think about me, I have thought about you.

Going through what I did: the whole _rising again from the dead thing_ , whatever stupid name Merlin gives it, was one of the hardest challenges I have had to face. I have faced a lot but nothing compares to that. The first thing I expected and wanted to see was _you_ there, just as Merlin was. You could never imagine how I felt when I didn't see you there and I won't even bother trying to explain it to you. _You were my wife, my queen._ _My life._ To not be there spoke louder words than the ones you will write to me. I am however, saddened to hear about what had happened to you in my absence. I thought the people of Camelot were better than that and that my royal court was too. I thought they had enough respect for both myself and you. You did not deserve that. You deserved to rule in my absence as I would trust you with that responsibility any day. You will never be a forgotten memory of Camelot; you _are_ one of Camelot's memories. 

Furthermore, _Merlin was there._ Just as he always is and still is. When I returned back to Camelot to be greeted as the king again, Merlin was the one who reminded me of my ways. How to be the king I was. He did it as if time never escaped us in the first place. He even _awkwardly_ offered to hold my hand through it which I instantly after a long stare said no to. I could never repay Merlin for everything he does and has ever done for me; but he does know how thankful I am. I made sure to tell him once. Now I am being told that he even took care of you in my absence. Oh Merlin, you can always take care of everyone but yourself. Nonetheless, I am going to have to thank him again after a couple drinks to choke it down for taking care of you and taking you in so you wouldn't lose your place here. _You will always have a place here_ no matter what anyone says or tries to do. I can promise you that if it wasn't clear before my depart from you. I am glad to hear you are safe, wherever you may be. I promise to not come looking for you; I quite frankly don't want you to see me as much as I'd like to see you. Merlin did make me aware of the arrangement between you both, which maybe I will share my thoughts on in another letter but not now. The only thing I can really say is the same that you did: _If there is anyone I would lose everything for again, it would be Merlin for everything he's given me._

Just as you are not sure about how I feel on anything, neither am I really. I used to be doing fine in the beginning, when I didn't have too much to think about other than trying to remember how to put on my own pants so Merlin wouldn't have to. Though, it is quite enjoyable watching him do so and trying not to make awkward eye contact. Since you have left me with what you believe to be how I feel, I guess that's a good starting point. I _do not_ believe it was righteous of Merlin to once again give up something for me, and to even do everything he can for me even in death. When Merlin told me he had magic, it took me quite some time to come back around to him. When I did, it put so much into a new perspective of my whole life being owed to him. My whole life only happening _because of him._ I could never ask Merlin to do all of that again, and I won't. I want to see him do something for himself for once. Again, I will not express my feelings on you and Merlin right now, but it is relieving to hear he'd never leave you alone as I cannot be with you in the present. And he is right, _you are the one thing I treasured more than my life._ Glad to hear he has gotten smarter though he acts like a complete idiot with me _still._

Above all things, I _do_ feel alone. I _am_ alone. It is not my thoughts of you that are blackening my mind; it is beyond you. Though, your absence definitely does not help. At the start, I did wonder where you could have been and why you did not come home to me. I began to think you didn't love me. And if that is the case, spare me that knowledge and I give you permission to _lie to me._ I cannot handle hearing something like that right now. I will try my hardest to find peace in the thought of never seeing you again, though I pray to the gods that that is not the case. That someday we may meet again. Going back to when I said that I am alone, you may be thinking I'm not because I have Merlin. But I've always had Merlin, and I've always felt alone. I've never felt more alone than I do now. Losing my father was the hardest thing I ever had to go through, but losing you is cutting close. Though, it's funny how I think having you back could actually make me feel worse? I don't know, like I mentioned before, things aren't so great right now. At least Merlin is still here as he's always been. But just as you feel him drifting from you, I feel him drifting from me as well. 

I'm not sure what I'd like to ask you or what I'd like to hear from you. You've said enough; you don't wish to see me as it could never be a possibility. What is there more to say? My mind is going completely blank with my hand on this letter. What is there to ask of the woman who was my whole life? Who _is_ my whole life? I understand you Guinevere, I always have. Just as you understand me. You are the woman whom was just a servant in the eyes of the people but I saw you as so much more. I looked at you like there was no one else around. I saw a true queen of Camelot; the way you are thoughtful of everyone, always trying to find the best solution in every situation to ensure no one gets hurt, and how you made sure everyday that I knew you believed in me even though I _did_ know. I always knew but just loved hearing you say it anyways. I would not have chosen to rule a kingdom with you by my side if I was not absolutely certain of who you are. So that's all; I cannot think of anything to ask. My apologizes if this letter is just a waste then; I almost didn't even write it. With the possibility of you reading this and getting another letter back, that's what drove me to write back. I guess what I can leave you with is finding out a way to tell me the truth: _tell me why you cannot see me._ If the reason is to protect me from something, you need to come up with a better answer. 

__Arthur._ _


End file.
